When it comes to holiday fails, no one can compete with Southern Wake. Remember Fuquay’s #ParadeGate of 2017? It was a high-stakes (not really) fight between dance moms and the Chamber of Commerce over their placement in the Fuquay-Varina Christmas parade — the drama was off the chain. Small-town businesses got involved; FVM got involved; there were meetings behind closed doors. Yes, it got “resolved” right before the holidays (peace and love and stuff), but longtime locals will #neverforget. If you missed it, don’t be sad — I’ve searched the archives, and there is plenty of local embarrassment to go around.
ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE
As you can see, Southern Wake residents are extremely helpful. The Food Lion Christmas trees might be scoffed at in Western Wake, but true locals know that these bad boys are cheaper than the ones on the fancy lots (still overpriced, but what isn’t these days?). Make a day of it! Bundle your kids up to survive the freezer section, grab a box of Little Debbie Christmas tree cakes, shake the needles off the trees that are piled higher than your morning poop, and make some memories! PSA: Claw machines cost extra.
SATAN’S TREAT
If you don’t like Satan jokes, then clutch your pearls and put me on your prayer list, Linda. This beauty was seen on November 26, 2017, and personally, I think it’s way better than donuts with Santa. No one needs those extra calories! Satan provides a heart-healthy alternative, perfect for residents of Holly Springs.
A DASH MORE COMPETENCE
I don’t know who is in charge of decorating Fuquay-Varina for the holidays, but every year there’s a new mistake that no one we all saw coming. At this point I’m starting to wonder if some dude named Jeff is trolling the whole town. If so, I’m not mad about it. They may be upside down or missing entirely, but the holidays wouldn’t be the same with perfectly coiffed decor.
LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS
This one goes way back to 2017, and I can’t remember if it was in Holly Springs or Fuquay-Varina — but does it really matter? They advertised the crap out of this Instagram-worthy snowglobe, and this was the end result. Residents got out there and took a picture with it anyway, because they know not to expect Cary-level decorations — you get what you get, and you don’t pitch a fit.
BELLS & WHISTLES
Every Southern family has got a grandma in a church bell choir, and when the town Christmas parade comes around, mobility can be an issue. In Fuquay, the obvious solution is their grandson’s noisy tractor, perfect for getting Mee-Mee off her feet and for drowning out the sound of bells, birds, or nuclear sirens from Shearon Harris.
LIGHT UP YOUR LIFE
I think we can all agree that smoking is bad, but this tree has it all: every pack your grandpappy smoked, and then some; a penguin wailing on an electric guitar; a chancla that someone’s Abuela probably hit them with that morning (smoking is bad); a rusted bucket, most likely filled with ashes from the spirits of students past. Southern Wake at its best.
LIKE A CREEPY NEIGHBOR, SANTA IS THERE
Fun fact: The State Farm office in Fuquay-Varina purchased this discounted Santa from Roses before it closed (RIP). Why was it discounted? I think you know. I think we all know.
CHRISTMAS BALLS
The holiday season doesn’t officially arrive until the Town of Fuquay-Varina hangs its pretty balls from the trees in Fuquay Mineral Spring Park. Fuquay’s balls. No, there’s not another word for them. Get your mind out of the gutter.
NO WINE LEFT BEHIND
This is exactly what it looks like. The Wine Advent Calendars at ALDI are released in stores on Nov. 1, and it’s basically Woodstock for women in Southern Wake between the ages of 30 and 55. The craze started in Apex (obviously) a few years back, but women in Southern Wake now have multiple locations to set up camp. Stay safe out there.
IT’S OK TO ASK FOR HELP
Dash is now one of two K-9 police officers in Fuquay-Varina, but they really did him wrong with this one. Dash looks like he got into a stash of something he was supposed to be confiscating. Dash looks like he just survived the first holiday gathering of the year. Dash looks like he just saw something he can’t unsee behind the Walmart parking lot (don’t go there). Dash looks like he just bought five items at the store and the total came to $106.78. Dash is all of us.
LIGHT DISPLAYS
Cary has the Chinese Lantern Festival. Apex has the Holiday Tour of Lights. Raleigh has a big, beautiful Christmas tree. Fuquay has Zaxby’s.
LOCAL DECOR
The best thing about this glorious display is THE ACCURACY. That cute little home is inches away from the nuclear cooling tower. Each house sits on a 0.24-acre lot. The streets are empty due to a nuclear evacuation except for that one guy who couldn’t hear the siren over the tractor bell choir. Perfect. Chef ’s kiss.
RESTING GRINCH FACE
They tried to do something cute here. They tried.
FOOD LION FAILS
This was seen in Cary, but it was clearly made by someone from Southern Wake. Check out Food Lion for all of your holiday needs — it never disappoints.
- That’s a Wrap!
- Scenes from Celebrate Fuquay-Varina
- Southern Wake Holiday Fails
- Feelin’ Good Like I Should
- The Gift of Giving Back
- Restaurant Spotlight: Bestow Baked Goods
- Hometown Holiday Hacks
- Dig In & Drink Up: Lemon Chicken Soup
- Dig In & Drink Up: Cranberry Cobbler Mocktail
- See & Do: December to January 2024
