You may have noticed that Southern Wake has upped its restaurant game. Foodies from all over the Triangle are flocking to occasionally visiting Holly Springs and Fuquay for a look at our fancy menus.
Get those tires out of your front yard and put on some real pants because THINGS ARE CHANGING. Hoity-toity establishments are popping up on every some corners, and none of us are prepared to handle this kind of upgrade. Remember when Chipotle brought a little razzle dazzle to Fuquay, and we acted as if it was fashion week in Milan? We ironed creases in our jeans and ordered extra guac like we were made of money, and that was just for fast food!
Today, there are restaurants in town that we can’t even pronounce, menus that we can’t decipher. Waiters who could be anywhere from 16-55, because they’re so smooth with it. HOW WILL WE SURVIVE THIS CHAMPAGNE SOCIETY? Don’t worry, that was rhetorical — I am here to save you from your redneck upbringing once again.
The FVM Decoder of Blinged-Out Menu Items
SMALL PLATES: In the era of cocktail culture, how are swaggy establishments meant to ensure that we spend a fortune on drinks if we have a full plate of food? Big-backed locals have two options: either spend $50 on three small plates of food to share or get on Ozempic go to Cook Out.
VICHYSSOISE (VISHI-SWAZZ): No, you didn’t have a stroke. Yes, this is a real menu item at a local rooftop restaurant and bar (located in Holly Springs, duh). According to Google, this is a soup made with cooked and puréed leeks, potatoes, onions, and cream. It is served chilled, Karen, so don’t send it back. You could have embarrassed yourself on a date night, but I’ve saved you from that inevitable fate. Doing the Lord’s work.
KHAO SOI: We have a brand spankin’ new “Thai & Tea” restaurant in Fuquay. Before you get all, “I eat Thai all the time; I’m a cultured, learn-ed man” — you won’t find the words “pad thai” or “green curry” anywhere in sight, Kenny. Their menu is full of exotic and wonderful words that locals 100% cannot pronounce.
Don’t worry, I’ve done your homework for you. For the “I-like-Thai” crowd who enjoys spicy-but-not-too-spicy coconut milk concoctions with noodles, order Khao Soi (cow soy). Trust me, you won’t regret it. I’m still dreaming about this dish, two weeks later. No, they did not pay me to say this. I will accept money, however.
TWIN PETITE FILET MIGNON AU POIVRE: No, you’re not at a big-city chophouse. This French steak order is on the menu at a restaurant in the former town library location (yes, the same building where your kid peed his pants during story time in 2006). We all know Filet Mignon (hold the petite, Barb), but the Google reports that “au poivre” means “prepared or served with a generous amount of coarsely ground black pepper.” No, I don’t know how to pronounce it — but don’t worry, your server doesn’t either.
WINE DINNERS: Anything can be a “wine dinner” with a quick stop at Food Lion, but we’re not talking about busting out your 1.5-liter bottle of Barefoot Pinot Grigio over a Crunchwrap Supreme. Real “wine dinners” are all the rage right now, especially in local Italian restaurants. But you need to know what to expect.
These bad boys include a five-course tasting menu and wine pairings that you can barely afford to sip (let’s be honest). The restaurants usually partner with fancy wine import companies that come with a Master Sommelier who looks like the perfect cross between a Greek god and a Portland-based podcaster. If you’re googling “sommelier” right now, just enjoy your Two-Buck Chuck and pretend you never read this.
LIQUOR LOUNGE: At first glance you might think, oh, a bar. No, this is something else entirely. Places like this sell cocktails and spirits, and hire bouncers to escort Nance out when she’s had one too many cherry amaretto sours. If you visit the speakeasy-style lounge in downtown Varina, leave your Gen-Alpha spawn at home — this isn’t a brewery (and it’s 21+ only).
Looking for more? Too bad, I have a word count to follow, and I can’t spend all day predicting all the ways you’re going to embarrass yourself now that this town is transforming into a Sandals resort. Good luck out there.
