The dark days of winter are upon us, and it’s time to kickstart your new year’s resolutions get depressed. Yes, you’ve gained weight over the Chrismahanakwanzika, and no, the dryer is not to blame. You’re about to be on your 500th bowl of chili since chili season began, and you’ve tried every cookie recipe on Pinterest. The doctor suggested a “Mediterranean diet” to lower your cholesterol, but Mediterranean meals aren’t cooked in crockpots, so it’s only a matter of time (rest in peace).
Many of us are fine to welcome the open arms of Prozac until spring comes to crack open our frozen souls. For those who are looking to not become the worst version of yourself while trapped inside a Canadian cooler, listen up.
The winter survival kit is here, and it may or may not help you. Either way, it’ll probably make you laugh.
Industrial Strength Lip Balm
If you fear that your lips look like a piece of dried-out ham found in the depths of your post-holiday fridge, they probably do. No amount of lip oil is going to save you, and the EOS lip balm ball that’s been rolling around in the bottom of your purse for the past nine months isn’t, either. You need to go hard with this — if it’s not the size of a glue stick, it’s not doing its job. We’re talking about a tube so big it doubles as a doorstop. Make it happen, for everyone’s sake.
Moon Boots
Forget regular boots. We’re talking about moon boots with anti-slip technology, in-built foot warmers, and a retractable snow shovel. Will it snow? Probably not, but if it does, you’re ready for Snowmageddon. Yes, you’ll look like Napoleon Dynamite, but you’ll be the one laughing when everyone else is slipping on ice and busting their cankles on the pavement.
Hot Toddies
You know what time it is. Yes, you could just have hot chocolate or herbal tea, but where’s the fun in that? Whether you’re setting the mood for some wintimacy or trying to avoid it, the hot toddy is the perfect way to dip out and drink without anyone knowing you’re drinking. Wrap your little mug up in a sweater and make it cute. No one has to know you’re getting drunk at 3 p.m.
Heated Blankets
It can’t be just any heated blanket, though — this thing has to be so big it can double as a tent or a car cover. The goal is to look like a human burrito. You want to be so warm that your butt crack starts sweating and you have to turn off the fire in the living room. Goals.
Layers of Cotton
This is the South, y’all. It’s not wintertime unless we’re layering 15 levels of cotton to play in a quarter-inch of icy snow before walking back into the house, dripping wet. No, it’s not economical or even logical, but layering season and seasonal beards are the only things that keep us from looking like the post-holiday hosses that we actually are.
Snacks & Sun Lamps
Stock up on marshmallows, cookies, and anything you can hide in your 60-foot heated blanket (don’t worry about calories; that’s what layers are for). My friend, who is sitting directly across from me as I write this banger of an article, suggests investing in a sun lamp. If you don’t know what that is, it’s for sad people. You’re welcome.
A Sense of Humor
Look, winter is rough enough without people getting all mad about me calling them big-backed and sad. Sometimes the only way to get through these months is by laughing at yourself, with your mismatched socks and sky-high heating bill. If it’s sleeting, park yourself next to the front window and watch your neighbor wipe out on the sidewalk. Listen to a funny podcast on your way to work as you peer through that one clear hole on your icy windshield while trying to figure out how defrost works. Spring will be here before you know it — it’s the South, after all.
