As much as Southerners love to complain about Yankees (has that word been canceled yet?), we all know, love, and welcome them as part of our community … more or less. Regardless of who you blame for traffic, the world is a different place than it used to be: We’re not all from the same town, we don’t all eat the same food, and we all judge each other in unique and exciting ways.
A holiday table filled with friends and family who live within the same five-mile radius is a rarity these days, and certain preparations may be needed. Remember, it’s your house, your rules — no one is asking you to make an Italian fish dish on Christmas Eve — but a guide of translations might be helpful for your out-of-town guests.
Whether you’re gathering for Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, New Year’s, or Winter Solstice (shout out to my hippie mother-in-law), this article contains a translation guide for anyone who is walking into your country-chic abode. NOTE: If your kitchen contains, or has contained, chicken decor, a goose with a handkerchief wrapped around its neck, or a lazy Susan, there is a 10/10 chance this guide is deeply needed for your guests. Consider printing it out and setting it beside the family Bible.
Bless Your Heart
You knew it was coming, I knew it was coming, the Patron Saint of Redneckery knew it was coming. In Southern culture, the phrase “bless your heart” can mean one of two things: 1) something terrible happened to you and we are trying to express our condolences, but we also want you to shut up, or 2) you’re an idiot. There is no in-between.
There is a 1,000% chance that you will hear this phrase at any holiday gathering, so pay attention to the way the message is delivered. Are they cocking their head at you like a confused puppy? If so, you’re an idiot.
Do they have their hand placed loosely over their chest? They feel sorry for your sob story, but they’re also desperately looking for a way out of the conversation. Do the right thing and set them free.
Just Bring Yourself!
You’ve asked your host what to bring, and they’ve responded with the tried and true “just bring yourself!” You’re panicking, and you should be. Did they mean it? Not really. You have the choice to bring nothing, but there is an unspoken expectation here. A jug of Bojangles sweet tea, perhaps. A bottle of champagne for New Year’s Eve. Even if it’s just store-bought cheesecake, something is better than nothing. So next time you’re thinking, “Am I enough?” — you absolutely are not.
Come Back Anytime!
Don’t. They don’t mean it; they’re just being polite. After you ring in the new year and wake up the next morning with a hangover, your Southern host will definitely say something like “come back anytime” or “don’t be a stranger this year!” when you’re walking toward your Uber.
Don’t fall for it. The minute they shut that door, they’re going to collapse on the couch and need at least half a year to recover. They want you to feel welcome anytime, but taking someone up on this and showing up on their doorstep a few weeks later is a traumatic imposition from which they will never recover.
Toboggan
This is a knit hat, also known as a “beanie.” Note that this word has nothing to do with sledding. The last time we could sled down here was in the great snowstorm of 1993. The only thing we all have in common here is no one knows how to spell it.
Dinner
Southern to Yankee translation: “Dinner” refers to the big meal of the day, and it doesn’t necessarily happen at night. Especially during holidays, dinner will usually be served somewhere between noon and 4 p.m. Yankees, if you show up at 7 p.m. for a holiday meal, you’ll be looking at leftovers and no sympathy. Once the sun goes down, it’s “suppertime.” Don’t get confused.
It’s Not the Snow, It’s the Ice
Yankees love coming down South and talking about how much harder their winters are. They hiked 10 miles through the snow. School was never canceled. Every year they’d almost lose a limb to frostbite. The conversation always begins in the middle of Christmas dinner on an unseasonably warm day, with a comment like this: “I can’t believe how warm it is outside! Do you ever get snow? When you do, doesn’t the entire city shut down?”
This question is always followed by a smug little chuckle. This is the point where every Southerner, whether born and bred or naturalized, will answer in the exact same way: “It’s not the snow, it’s the ice.” When a Southern host says this, they are shutting the conversation down. There will be no further explanation. You will either accept this reasoning or get the hell out of their house.
Take a Little Something for the Road
When your host says these words, it’s not a suggestion — you’re taking a little something for the road, whether you like it or not. You might not want to take a little something for the road. IRRELEVANT. It’s not about you, or your appetite, or your dietary needs. Depending on the situation, you’ll either be walking out with a full paper plate of food covered by another paper plate, some rolls wrapped up in a paper towel, or someone’s “good” Tupperware filled with cookies. Just say thank you and throw it away later.
Feel free to shove copies of this article under windshield wipers in the Target parking lot for the benefit of transplants townwide, but don’t get caught and accused of a trafficking scheme. I can’t help you with that.
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